I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Randomize
