1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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