There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
time to smoke my breakfast
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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