I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
