Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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