hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
