I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
