help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
