hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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