i may or may not be watching the land before time
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
