my soul wont recognize me after tonight
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
