I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
