I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
