shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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