Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
