I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
