I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
