his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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