my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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