i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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