On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
