he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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