How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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