I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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