I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
