we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
