Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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