She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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