there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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