Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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