I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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