I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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