eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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