I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
