How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
