I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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