I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
