i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
