i just wanna soil my oats bro
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
