I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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