life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
