Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
soo... how was my night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
