get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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