the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
