I think I can smell my own vagina right now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
