just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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