My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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