If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This baby is an asshole
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
