im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
