**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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