I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
