I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
