I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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