I think I won the penis lottery.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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