I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
