I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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