I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
