I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize