I cannot find my penis.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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