I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
